There once was a TV show on called the "The Fear Factor". Competitors would face their fears with stunts, creepy crawling bugs, and ate the most disgusting things. I used to watch the show, sometimes with my eyes closed, not wanting to see what they had to accomplish. What it showed you is that we all have fears of different things, but we all fear something.
Webster's Dictionary has the meaning of fear as: 1. Alarm and agitation caused by the expectation or realization of danger; 2. To be frightened; 3. A ground for apprehensive or dread. In other words a very human emotion that everyone has and can experience periodically. People with cancer or any other fatal disease feel this more than usual. It can be triggered easily and always pondered in your mind.
When the news reports on a star or famous person dying of cancer, you relate immediately and wonder when that will happen to you. Listening to the story and death of Steve Jobs, founder of Apple, allowed fear to creep in me. You see, Steve Jobs had the same cancer I do. You start calculating how long he lasted from the time we was first diagnosed and you begin to calculate how much time you may have. Then you realize what you are doing and you stop! NO, I will not dwell on the "what ifs" but dwell on the life I have right before me. I read an article on Roger Ebert, the film critic. He has thyroid cancer has gone through surgery after surgery, can not eat or drink or talk without a device. He made a remark that really struck me. "I know that my time will come, but right now I live with hope and happiness." I need to focus on the same.
I know without a shadow of doubt that God is with me. My recent fear turned into joy when the doctor called and said, "Mrs. Rendulic your CT scan came back with no signs of cancer at this time." This is the first good news I have had in 8 long months. I had my eye doctor appointment the other day and hearing that my eyes were healthy and what I was experiencing was cataracts that are not yet ready for surgery. Just a normal sign of aging not disease. Two good reports!! My "rainbow of promise" was manifesting hope and happiness. I also had an unexpected conversation with the business administrator of the eye center. When I talked with the doctor, she told me that there was someone who works there with the same cancer and her father has the same rare form of cancer also. She left the room and said, "I will be right back." She came back in and said that the business administrator would like to meet you and talk with you. I had a good conversation. He shared with me his story and told me about this Medical Center in Louisiana that specializes in our rare form of cancer and his experience there. I found it ironic that I believe this is where my oncologist just came back from hearing a seminar on the founder and research doctor. I shared with him and gave him my blog web address. God has a way of putting people in your path.
The other day my devotional talked about forgetting about ourselves and do everything we can to help people, and doing the work of the Lord that God has called you to. When you do that, God takes care of you. And that is why I write to help others who face the fears of illness with honesty and openness.
Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." When fear strikes, stop, turn your eyes toward the Lord. He will take the fear and give you peace. That my friend is truth. Do not allow yourself to dwell on the things that make you fearful. Instead stop and allow God to bring the thoughts of comfort and hope.
I leave you with a scripture that has helped many times during my life. Let it speak to you. Psalm 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 13: For I am the Lord, your God, who take hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you."
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This
I heard a sermon a few years back that talked about "being in the camp", and suddenly taken right "out of the camp". The speaker's reference was talking about the camp of the Israelites. They were protected until they ran into adveristy and suddenly drawn out of the protection that God had provided for them. Bringing that down to modern day, how is it that your days can go well, and then all of sudden hearing adverse remarks, situations, etc. can take you right "out of the camp" in a split second.
So it was the other day at the Oncologist's office. Nothing serious yet, but all the conversation about the type of cancer I have, my blood markers for tumors was a bit high in July, surgery is still the best treatment, you may have a surgical hernia, see an opthmologist for my eyesight that has gotten worse since the last surgery, yada, yada, yada!
I walked out of the office, went to work and was completely "out of the camp", trying hard to get back in. My mind was taxed with thinking about another doctor's appointment. I still have not been able to work a full day, and my weariness is not getting any better, still get out of breath easy, etc. I told my husband that I felt like I was going backwards instead of forward.
Friday, my devotion was talking about facing the "Giants" in your life and running toward them, speaking the greatness of God. The scripture was about David fighting Goliath. (I Samuel 17: 32-37) I made the remark, "Oh I do not like this one this morning". I knew instantly I was going to need this and boy was I right!
My routine every week day is to come home from work and sleep for a two hours. I had fallen asleep and awoke to the phone ringing. It was my Oncologist. "Mrs. Rendulic, this is Dr. ........, your blood levels were extremely high this month and I am concerned. I want you to have the CT Scan right away. I do not beleive we can wait until November." When I asked how high the number was, He told me that it doubled since July. Great, that is not what I wanted to hear. I hung up, feeling once again, numb repeating the conversation over and over in my head. I have not recovered completely from the last near death surgery and I just do not want to think about another possible surgery. It had been a very dreary rainy day. I glanced out the window and I saw a bright rainbow. A rainbow was a symbol God gave Noah as a covenant between God and Noah and very living creature on the earth. (Genesis 9:15-17) I saw it as a symbol of promise and my covenant between God and me.
Am I fearful? Absolutely! I am human. I do not want you to ever think that because I walk with God and trust Him with all my heart, that I do not feel fear. I believe David did too when he ran right toward Goliath to fight the battle at hand. I have a battle at hand to fight. Even thou there is fear on every side, I will chose to trust in God to get me through once again. I might be shaking in my boots trying to shake off fear of what might lie ahead. But in my heart I trust God no matter what the outcome. That my friends is a hard statement to make.
Robert Schuller once said, "If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been." The fears may come at me on every side, but I will fight everyone with the sword of His Word and my trust in Him.
So it was the other day at the Oncologist's office. Nothing serious yet, but all the conversation about the type of cancer I have, my blood markers for tumors was a bit high in July, surgery is still the best treatment, you may have a surgical hernia, see an opthmologist for my eyesight that has gotten worse since the last surgery, yada, yada, yada!
I walked out of the office, went to work and was completely "out of the camp", trying hard to get back in. My mind was taxed with thinking about another doctor's appointment. I still have not been able to work a full day, and my weariness is not getting any better, still get out of breath easy, etc. I told my husband that I felt like I was going backwards instead of forward.
Friday, my devotion was talking about facing the "Giants" in your life and running toward them, speaking the greatness of God. The scripture was about David fighting Goliath. (I Samuel 17: 32-37) I made the remark, "Oh I do not like this one this morning". I knew instantly I was going to need this and boy was I right!
My routine every week day is to come home from work and sleep for a two hours. I had fallen asleep and awoke to the phone ringing. It was my Oncologist. "Mrs. Rendulic, this is Dr. ........, your blood levels were extremely high this month and I am concerned. I want you to have the CT Scan right away. I do not beleive we can wait until November." When I asked how high the number was, He told me that it doubled since July. Great, that is not what I wanted to hear. I hung up, feeling once again, numb repeating the conversation over and over in my head. I have not recovered completely from the last near death surgery and I just do not want to think about another possible surgery. It had been a very dreary rainy day. I glanced out the window and I saw a bright rainbow. A rainbow was a symbol God gave Noah as a covenant between God and Noah and very living creature on the earth. (Genesis 9:15-17) I saw it as a symbol of promise and my covenant between God and me.
Am I fearful? Absolutely! I am human. I do not want you to ever think that because I walk with God and trust Him with all my heart, that I do not feel fear. I believe David did too when he ran right toward Goliath to fight the battle at hand. I have a battle at hand to fight. Even thou there is fear on every side, I will chose to trust in God to get me through once again. I might be shaking in my boots trying to shake off fear of what might lie ahead. But in my heart I trust God no matter what the outcome. That my friends is a hard statement to make.
Robert Schuller once said, "If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been." The fears may come at me on every side, but I will fight everyone with the sword of His Word and my trust in Him.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
An Educated Guess
I remember 3 years ago when I was first diagnosed with liver cancer. I was terrified and wanted to know what the out come would be, how much time to I have left, what is this cancer, etc. You want all the answers right then. I searched the Internet feverishly trying to find all I could about this type of cancer I had. Sometimes that is not a good thing. It places fear in you. And it is hard to read all the statistics of what it can do to your body.
A good friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer about 1 year before I was. She confirmed to me that she also wanted the answers. We understood each other and came to a conclusion that doctors only can give you an educated guess on what may or may not happen. After all they are just practicing medicine. That is why they call it "the practice". If you are not the one who has cancer, you really do not understand completely the devastation you deal with each day.
Yesterday, I went back to the oncologist to begin my monthly treatment shots once again. As we discussed what a nightmare this surgery was, he remarked, "You are alive aren't you?" Now, I do understand that he sees such very sick people everyday and according to all that see me, they think I look great. It was not the remark I wanted to hear. Understand yes I am alive, but it was a very close call that I never want to experience again. As we talked, he began to tell me of trials on possible new treatments that were not yet available. But his final statement gripped fear in me once again. He said, "I believe that we can get you another 5 to 10 years. I know you want 20, but." And then he grinned and shook his shoulders. You are darn right I want 20! That statement stayed with me all day, and I had to fight that off every time I heard it echoing in my head.
This morning, my devotional was right on time. The scripture reference was from Jeremiah 17: 7-8: Blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.
I had to shake off fear and remind myself every time I hear in my head what the doctor said, that my hope and confidence does come from the Lord. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is in ultimate control of my life. I am a firm believer that your days are numbered. When your number is up, it is up! Psalm 139: 16 - your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. When the Lord is ready for me, I will be no more and not before.
It is so easy to focus on your fatal disease. My mother always worries about the "what ifs". In fact we have a running joke in the family..We call it "Grandma Worry"! The doctor told me that my cancer is not curable. Well my God says that it can be! I can not keep looking for the what ifs. I need to look forward to what can be.
My hope and confidence is in God, not man!
A good friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer about 1 year before I was. She confirmed to me that she also wanted the answers. We understood each other and came to a conclusion that doctors only can give you an educated guess on what may or may not happen. After all they are just practicing medicine. That is why they call it "the practice". If you are not the one who has cancer, you really do not understand completely the devastation you deal with each day.
Yesterday, I went back to the oncologist to begin my monthly treatment shots once again. As we discussed what a nightmare this surgery was, he remarked, "You are alive aren't you?" Now, I do understand that he sees such very sick people everyday and according to all that see me, they think I look great. It was not the remark I wanted to hear. Understand yes I am alive, but it was a very close call that I never want to experience again. As we talked, he began to tell me of trials on possible new treatments that were not yet available. But his final statement gripped fear in me once again. He said, "I believe that we can get you another 5 to 10 years. I know you want 20, but." And then he grinned and shook his shoulders. You are darn right I want 20! That statement stayed with me all day, and I had to fight that off every time I heard it echoing in my head.
This morning, my devotional was right on time. The scripture reference was from Jeremiah 17: 7-8: Blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.
I had to shake off fear and remind myself every time I hear in my head what the doctor said, that my hope and confidence does come from the Lord. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is in ultimate control of my life. I am a firm believer that your days are numbered. When your number is up, it is up! Psalm 139: 16 - your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. When the Lord is ready for me, I will be no more and not before.
It is so easy to focus on your fatal disease. My mother always worries about the "what ifs". In fact we have a running joke in the family..We call it "Grandma Worry"! The doctor told me that my cancer is not curable. Well my God says that it can be! I can not keep looking for the what ifs. I need to look forward to what can be.
My hope and confidence is in God, not man!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Every Hair On Your Head
"And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered" (Matthew 10:30)
Well I must say that the Lord is spending less time each day counting mine! (LOL) Once again I am losing hair. The last time this happen was 3 years ago when I had my first surgery for liver cancer. I began to lose hair about 8 weeks after surgery. I really questioned God and said, why?? I am not taking chemo or radiation and yet every day I get multiple hairs coming out when I wash and dry it. His response to me was daunting, "You would not feel what it was like unless you experienced it". That was my first ingling that God was going to use me to help others facing serious illness. At this time when I asked my primary care doctor about it, she remarked, "That when the body goes through such a tremedous stress, your hair reacts about 6 to 8 weeks later." Great! Just what I wanted to hear.
I lost quite a bit of hair and had to resort to buying hats and wigs. I will never forget going to a department store looking for hats, and I was wearing one at the time. The sales clerk said, "So your into hats, huh?" I quickly responded and said, "No cancer!" Oh it just came blurting out of my mouth. I left with hats in my hand, tears filling my eyes and hating the whole experience.
It was a few weeks later, when I was wearing a hat everyday to work, that a co worker of mine offered to take me to a wig store close by. After all, I thought I might be losing hair permanently. When I took my hat off to try on wigs, she looked at me and said, "Oh it really is looking very thin". I began to tear up and tried my best to get my composure. I ended up buying a wig that day. I began buying another wig, scarfs, anything that would hide my head. Just so you know, your hairdresser can style a wig to fit you. Mine did and I got a lot of complements on it. But I hated wearing anything on my head...it was itchy and hot! But you endure what you have to and I did.
My hair did return, but now I am facing hair loss once again due to stress my body has had during this last nightmare surgery for lung cancer. So my husband says, "Well we have been here before, it will grow back." That statement was true, but when you are losing handfuls of hair daily, it effects you emotionally. Each time I brush my hair and run my figures thru it, some comes out. Ugh! It never feels good for a woman to lose so much hair. I find my self looking at every woman's hair wishing I had their hair. Dumb I know, but your confidence just plumets no matter how or how much hair is lost.
So hair! Never doubt the importance it is to anyone facing hair loss due to illness. It is devasting even the 2nd time around. Okay God, second time around. Can this be the last?
Well I must say that the Lord is spending less time each day counting mine! (LOL) Once again I am losing hair. The last time this happen was 3 years ago when I had my first surgery for liver cancer. I began to lose hair about 8 weeks after surgery. I really questioned God and said, why?? I am not taking chemo or radiation and yet every day I get multiple hairs coming out when I wash and dry it. His response to me was daunting, "You would not feel what it was like unless you experienced it". That was my first ingling that God was going to use me to help others facing serious illness. At this time when I asked my primary care doctor about it, she remarked, "That when the body goes through such a tremedous stress, your hair reacts about 6 to 8 weeks later." Great! Just what I wanted to hear.
I lost quite a bit of hair and had to resort to buying hats and wigs. I will never forget going to a department store looking for hats, and I was wearing one at the time. The sales clerk said, "So your into hats, huh?" I quickly responded and said, "No cancer!" Oh it just came blurting out of my mouth. I left with hats in my hand, tears filling my eyes and hating the whole experience.
It was a few weeks later, when I was wearing a hat everyday to work, that a co worker of mine offered to take me to a wig store close by. After all, I thought I might be losing hair permanently. When I took my hat off to try on wigs, she looked at me and said, "Oh it really is looking very thin". I began to tear up and tried my best to get my composure. I ended up buying a wig that day. I began buying another wig, scarfs, anything that would hide my head. Just so you know, your hairdresser can style a wig to fit you. Mine did and I got a lot of complements on it. But I hated wearing anything on my head...it was itchy and hot! But you endure what you have to and I did.
My hair did return, but now I am facing hair loss once again due to stress my body has had during this last nightmare surgery for lung cancer. So my husband says, "Well we have been here before, it will grow back." That statement was true, but when you are losing handfuls of hair daily, it effects you emotionally. Each time I brush my hair and run my figures thru it, some comes out. Ugh! It never feels good for a woman to lose so much hair. I find my self looking at every woman's hair wishing I had their hair. Dumb I know, but your confidence just plumets no matter how or how much hair is lost.
So hair! Never doubt the importance it is to anyone facing hair loss due to illness. It is devasting even the 2nd time around. Okay God, second time around. Can this be the last?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Know your Medications
When I was in the hospital the staff was giving me a medication at night that I repeatly said, "What is this for?" I was told at the hospital and at rehab, "It is to help you relax and sleep". So, not having much control I took it.
During much of that time and even when I got home, I truly could not get control of my emotions. I was on edge, cried a lot and sometimes for really nothing. No matter how much I tried I could not get a handle on it. I finally out of desperation looked up this medication. I was shocked at what I read. This drug was used to treat Bi-polar patients. I was and never had issues with this. I asked the visiting nurse and the physical therapist why would I be on this drug. The therapist was shocked. She has 2 autistic kids and told me that this was a very powerful physcotic drug.
I then went for a follow-up appointment at the surgeon's office. They had no idea that I was on this and said, "Well sometimes when you are in ICU the drugist at the hospital pharmacy makes decisions on what may work for you at that time." That is not a good sufficient answer as far as I am concerned. This drug messed with my brain. I know mistakes are made all the time, but when it comes to your own health, you do not want to be the one they mistreated.
The bad part of all this that I had to wean myself off of this drug and deal with nausea and feeling awful. I am on the other side of this, but it is a good example to share with you. Doctors, nurses, pharmists are human and make calls that may effect your health. Do not in way shape or form hesitate to find out what you are taking! Especially if you are feeling out of sorts and have unusual symtoms.
I hope that my experience may help you. You know your body. Do the research! It may save your life.
During much of that time and even when I got home, I truly could not get control of my emotions. I was on edge, cried a lot and sometimes for really nothing. No matter how much I tried I could not get a handle on it. I finally out of desperation looked up this medication. I was shocked at what I read. This drug was used to treat Bi-polar patients. I was and never had issues with this. I asked the visiting nurse and the physical therapist why would I be on this drug. The therapist was shocked. She has 2 autistic kids and told me that this was a very powerful physcotic drug.
I then went for a follow-up appointment at the surgeon's office. They had no idea that I was on this and said, "Well sometimes when you are in ICU the drugist at the hospital pharmacy makes decisions on what may work for you at that time." That is not a good sufficient answer as far as I am concerned. This drug messed with my brain. I know mistakes are made all the time, but when it comes to your own health, you do not want to be the one they mistreated.
The bad part of all this that I had to wean myself off of this drug and deal with nausea and feeling awful. I am on the other side of this, but it is a good example to share with you. Doctors, nurses, pharmists are human and make calls that may effect your health. Do not in way shape or form hesitate to find out what you are taking! Especially if you are feeling out of sorts and have unusual symtoms.
I hope that my experience may help you. You know your body. Do the research! It may save your life.
Friday, July 8, 2011
My Expectations Are Too High
Why is it that the mind can decide you can do more than your body will let you? I want so bad to be back to normal with expectations that are not realistic. Even though I am making progress week to week, it just is so disheartening when you want to do more. The weakness is sometimes overwhelming. Both the doctors, and physical therapy tell me that they do not expect me to back to work any time soon.
Here I sit day after day depending on others to get my meals. They tell me for every day I spent in ICU is a one week recovery. Are you kidding me? I spent weeks in ICU. It gets lonely. You sit and watch the clock all day long. I've cried and felt sorry for myself. I tell you all this because I want you to know I am just a normal human being that has feelings, struggles, and hates every minute of it. But....here I am. I have survived death. God did not call me home. He has a plan and I have to trust in that.
I had a great reality check when I recieved a card in the hospital from my sister-in-law's sister. She is someone that has battled with cancer, lost her jaw, and is unable to this day to eat. Yet she continues to cook and feed her family and lead a productive life. My sister-in-law calls her, "my hero". She wrote in the card only this, "just one day at a time. Take it from someone who knows." I read that and I cried and cried.
This is a battle and I feel every struggle, emotion, and frustration. I am not immune to any part of this journey. No one really understands unless they are the one going through it, not even family. I will get better. Not in my time, but in God's. I have trusted my whole life and will not stop now. He has a purpose. Not easy, not fun, but my hope and trust is totally in God.
I have to remember that God is working for His purpose. God has called each of us for His purpose. Each of us will have a different journey. I will walk out mine, will you?
Here I sit day after day depending on others to get my meals. They tell me for every day I spent in ICU is a one week recovery. Are you kidding me? I spent weeks in ICU. It gets lonely. You sit and watch the clock all day long. I've cried and felt sorry for myself. I tell you all this because I want you to know I am just a normal human being that has feelings, struggles, and hates every minute of it. But....here I am. I have survived death. God did not call me home. He has a plan and I have to trust in that.
I had a great reality check when I recieved a card in the hospital from my sister-in-law's sister. She is someone that has battled with cancer, lost her jaw, and is unable to this day to eat. Yet she continues to cook and feed her family and lead a productive life. My sister-in-law calls her, "my hero". She wrote in the card only this, "just one day at a time. Take it from someone who knows." I read that and I cried and cried.
This is a battle and I feel every struggle, emotion, and frustration. I am not immune to any part of this journey. No one really understands unless they are the one going through it, not even family. I will get better. Not in my time, but in God's. I have trusted my whole life and will not stop now. He has a purpose. Not easy, not fun, but my hope and trust is totally in God.
I have to remember that God is working for His purpose. God has called each of us for His purpose. Each of us will have a different journey. I will walk out mine, will you?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
When Everything Becomes Critical
It is almost July, and I fill like I have been to hell and back. On May 5th, I had surgery which did go well. Came home 5 days later and did not feel well at all. Much pain, pain meds making me sick, vomiting, etc. On Friday evening, I told my husband call 911. That began a nightmare. You can say that I was wise enough to call 911. I was bleeding internally.
Of course I did not really know how critical I was. I was in and out. Rushed back to John Hopkins. They could not get me stablized but decided to perform emergency surgery. From that point on I lost 2 weeks or more. I was on a venilator and they put a trach in so that I could breath. And there I was in ICU not knowing what happened. I was very close to losing my life once again.
If you read the operative report, it becomes such a scary scenario. My thoughts was "Oh God, why did you allow this to happen!" I fought hard to get out of ICU to a room. I fought for a bed that I could get out of. I wanted to get moving and out of this nightmare. I had a trach that was such a burdensome situation. I was on oxygen. I was on so much medication. My emotions were up and down. Was I scared? Oh yes I was. All I wanted was to get home and be with my family. I want my life back!
I then went to rehab for 10 days and fought once again. I wanted this trach out. I continued to fight to have this taken out. I did not want to go home with this. I negotiated with the Doctors in rehab. I did it!! It is out on a Friday and I came home the following Monday.
I am home, but my endurance level is awful. My emotions are all over the place. I have physical therapy at home. This has been such a hard road. I am reminded time and time again that I almost lost my life and it will take time, and one day at a time. I hate being in this position. Depending on people and there is not one thing I can do about it.
So, why did this happen? I know that I need to write about this. I know that I need to reach out to others with cancer and serious illness. I know that I surely feel all the emotions, physical limitations, etc. If I did not go through this, how can I relate? I know that God kept his hand on me and allowed this. I know that I am alive because of his hand and all the prayers of all of you! James 5: 15: "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well." I and those like me need and depend on your prayer!!
All I can say is that I must really be a threat to the enemy's territory. Back up because I will not go down easy, not until God calls me home. I may get discouraged, cry, and question. I feel like Job, when everything goes wrong that can go wrong. My emotions are real. You will never know how someone feels unless you walk in their shoes.
And I can say that I have.....................!
Of course I did not really know how critical I was. I was in and out. Rushed back to John Hopkins. They could not get me stablized but decided to perform emergency surgery. From that point on I lost 2 weeks or more. I was on a venilator and they put a trach in so that I could breath. And there I was in ICU not knowing what happened. I was very close to losing my life once again.
If you read the operative report, it becomes such a scary scenario. My thoughts was "Oh God, why did you allow this to happen!" I fought hard to get out of ICU to a room. I fought for a bed that I could get out of. I wanted to get moving and out of this nightmare. I had a trach that was such a burdensome situation. I was on oxygen. I was on so much medication. My emotions were up and down. Was I scared? Oh yes I was. All I wanted was to get home and be with my family. I want my life back!
I then went to rehab for 10 days and fought once again. I wanted this trach out. I continued to fight to have this taken out. I did not want to go home with this. I negotiated with the Doctors in rehab. I did it!! It is out on a Friday and I came home the following Monday.
I am home, but my endurance level is awful. My emotions are all over the place. I have physical therapy at home. This has been such a hard road. I am reminded time and time again that I almost lost my life and it will take time, and one day at a time. I hate being in this position. Depending on people and there is not one thing I can do about it.
So, why did this happen? I know that I need to write about this. I know that I need to reach out to others with cancer and serious illness. I know that I surely feel all the emotions, physical limitations, etc. If I did not go through this, how can I relate? I know that God kept his hand on me and allowed this. I know that I am alive because of his hand and all the prayers of all of you! James 5: 15: "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well." I and those like me need and depend on your prayer!!
All I can say is that I must really be a threat to the enemy's territory. Back up because I will not go down easy, not until God calls me home. I may get discouraged, cry, and question. I feel like Job, when everything goes wrong that can go wrong. My emotions are real. You will never know how someone feels unless you walk in their shoes.
And I can say that I have.....................!
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