When Everything Becomes Critical

It is almost July, and I fill like I have been to hell and back.  On May 5th, I had surgery which did go well.  Came home 5 days later and did not feel well at all.  Much pain, pain meds making me sick, vomiting, etc.  On Friday evening, I told my husband call 911.  That began a nightmare.  You can say that I was wise enough to call 911.  I was bleeding internally. 

Of course I did not really know how critical I was.  I was in and out.  Rushed back to John Hopkins.  They could not get me stablized but decided to perform emergency surgery.  From that point on I lost 2 weeks or more.  I was on a venilator and they put a trach in so that I could breath.  And there I was in ICU not knowing what happened.  I was very close to losing my life once again.

If you read the operative report, it becomes such a scary scenario.  My thoughts was  "Oh God, why did you allow this to happen!"  I fought hard to get out of ICU to a room.  I fought for a bed that I could get out of.  I wanted to get moving and out of this nightmare.  I had a trach that was such a burdensome situation.  I was on oxygen.  I was on so much medication.  My emotions were up and down.  Was I scared?  Oh yes I was.  All I wanted was to get home and be with my family.  I want my life back! 

I then went to rehab for 10 days and fought once again.  I wanted this trach out.  I continued to fight to have this taken out.  I did not want to go home with this.  I negotiated  with the Doctors in rehab.  I did it!!  It is out on a Friday and I came home the following Monday.

I am home, but my endurance level is awful.  My emotions are all over the place.  I have physical therapy at home.  This has been such a hard road.  I am reminded time and time again that I almost lost my life and it will take time, and one day at a time.  I hate being in this position.  Depending on people and there is not one thing I can do about it.

So, why did this happen?  I know that I need to write about this.  I know that I need to reach out to others with cancer and serious illness.  I know that I surely feel all the emotions, physical limitations, etc.  If I did not go through this, how can I relate?  I know that God kept his hand on me and allowed this.  I know that I am alive because of his hand and all the prayers of all of you!  James 5: 15: "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well."  I and those like me need and depend on your prayer!!

All I can say is that I must really be a threat to the enemy's territory.  Back up because I will not go down easy, not until God calls me home.  I may get discouraged, cry, and question.  I feel like Job, when everything goes wrong that can go wrong. My emotions are real.  You will never know how someone feels unless you walk in their shoes. 

And I can say that I have.....................!