I remember 3 years ago when I was first diagnosed with liver cancer. I was terrified and wanted to know what the out come would be, how much time to I have left, what is this cancer, etc. You want all the answers right then. I searched the Internet feverishly trying to find all I could about this type of cancer I had. Sometimes that is not a good thing. It places fear in you. And it is hard to read all the statistics of what it can do to your body.
A good friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer about 1 year before I was. She confirmed to me that she also wanted the answers. We understood each other and came to a conclusion that doctors only can give you an educated guess on what may or may not happen. After all they are just practicing medicine. That is why they call it "the practice". If you are not the one who has cancer, you really do not understand completely the devastation you deal with each day.
Yesterday, I went back to the oncologist to begin my monthly treatment shots once again. As we discussed what a nightmare this surgery was, he remarked, "You are alive aren't you?" Now, I do understand that he sees such very sick people everyday and according to all that see me, they think I look great. It was not the remark I wanted to hear. Understand yes I am alive, but it was a very close call that I never want to experience again. As we talked, he began to tell me of trials on possible new treatments that were not yet available. But his final statement gripped fear in me once again. He said, "I believe that we can get you another 5 to 10 years. I know you want 20, but." And then he grinned and shook his shoulders. You are darn right I want 20! That statement stayed with me all day, and I had to fight that off every time I heard it echoing in my head.
This morning, my devotional was right on time. The scripture reference was from Jeremiah 17: 7-8: Blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.
I had to shake off fear and remind myself every time I hear in my head what the doctor said, that my hope and confidence does come from the Lord. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is in ultimate control of my life. I am a firm believer that your days are numbered. When your number is up, it is up! Psalm 139: 16 - your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. When the Lord is ready for me, I will be no more and not before.
It is so easy to focus on your fatal disease. My mother always worries about the "what ifs". In fact we have a running joke in the family..We call it "Grandma Worry"! The doctor told me that my cancer is not curable. Well my God says that it can be! I can not keep looking for the what ifs. I need to look forward to what can be.
My hope and confidence is in God, not man!
No comments:
Post a Comment