When my first child was born, I remember unwrapping him and making sure he had all his fingers & toes. He was perfect. In fact all the nurses told me he was too pretty to be a boy. He was just gorgeous! When we took him him home, I thought, "I am taking him out into a world that was polluted and not perfect as he was the day he was born." Imperfections are a way of life. But I wanted to keep him just as perfect as he arrived. Of course we know that is impossible.
But, now that I have had cancer surgeries, health complications, etc., I have become more imperfect that I could ever imagine I could be. My stomach is a road map of scars from surgery, from gallbladder to liver surgery. Those scars I could hide at least. But being a woman, I hated the looks of it all. I began my regiment of scar ointment for months and months as directed. Guess what? I could have taken stock in the company and it made no difference in my ugly scars. (LOL) Oh, the money I threw away for months. Still there and quite ugly.
Now that I had the last lung surgery, the scar running down my back will not be hid by a bathing suit. The scar from the trachea is always visible on my neck. It took 7 months for my hair to arrive back and look decent. I also have a surgical hernia on my stomach that sticks out. From rehab workouts, my shoulders now ache and cortisone shots are needed periodically. I fell right before the holidays, and my left knee cap has now collapsed without any cartilage. I am getting shots in that also, for a knee replacement or any other surgery can not happen for a good while. My fatigue is still there when I work all day. I have developed a cataract on my right eye. My breathing still is not what it should be. I can no longer reach high notes when singing. If I am talking a lot or teaching a class, you can hear me take breaths. O'Vey! I have heard of woman that was traumatized because they were going to have 4 tiny scar holes in a gall bladder surgery. Oh Honey, you have no idea of what it could be. These are the battle scars that I have. Even though they are quite cumbersome at times, I do my best to look the best that I can. I have many say, "you look so good." Great! That is my goal, now if I only can feel just a bit better.
I serve a God that can do miracles and heal me completely. I circle that in prayer almost everyday. I know that I have walked this hard path to reach others that are on the same journey of serious illness. I heard a quote on TV that really summed it all up: "Those who have been there, no explanation needed. Those who have not, explanation impossible." How true those words are. No one knows the emotions, thoughts, and discouragement you face at every turn of the road unless you walked that path.
I want you to know, I am here for anyone who needs someone to stand with them, in thought, in encouragement and in prayer. I beleive that is why I have walked this road.
Even though we struggle with appearance. I am grateful that God's Word says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (I Samuel 16: 7b)
