I remember 3 years ago when I was first diagnosed with liver cancer. I was terrified and wanted to know what the out come would be, how much time to I have left, what is this cancer, etc. You want all the answers right then. I searched the Internet feverishly trying to find all I could about this type of cancer I had. Sometimes that is not a good thing. It places fear in you. And it is hard to read all the statistics of what it can do to your body.
A good friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer about 1 year before I was. She confirmed to me that she also wanted the answers. We understood each other and came to a conclusion that doctors only can give you an educated guess on what may or may not happen. After all they are just practicing medicine. That is why they call it "the practice". If you are not the one who has cancer, you really do not understand completely the devastation you deal with each day.
Yesterday, I went back to the oncologist to begin my monthly treatment shots once again. As we discussed what a nightmare this surgery was, he remarked, "You are alive aren't you?" Now, I do understand that he sees such very sick people everyday and according to all that see me, they think I look great. It was not the remark I wanted to hear. Understand yes I am alive, but it was a very close call that I never want to experience again. As we talked, he began to tell me of trials on possible new treatments that were not yet available. But his final statement gripped fear in me once again. He said, "I believe that we can get you another 5 to 10 years. I know you want 20, but." And then he grinned and shook his shoulders. You are darn right I want 20! That statement stayed with me all day, and I had to fight that off every time I heard it echoing in my head.
This morning, my devotional was right on time. The scripture reference was from Jeremiah 17: 7-8: Blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.
I had to shake off fear and remind myself every time I hear in my head what the doctor said, that my hope and confidence does come from the Lord. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is in ultimate control of my life. I am a firm believer that your days are numbered. When your number is up, it is up! Psalm 139: 16 - your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. When the Lord is ready for me, I will be no more and not before.
It is so easy to focus on your fatal disease. My mother always worries about the "what ifs". In fact we have a running joke in the family..We call it "Grandma Worry"! The doctor told me that my cancer is not curable. Well my God says that it can be! I can not keep looking for the what ifs. I need to look forward to what can be.
My hope and confidence is in God, not man!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Every Hair On Your Head
"And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered" (Matthew 10:30)
Well I must say that the Lord is spending less time each day counting mine! (LOL) Once again I am losing hair. The last time this happen was 3 years ago when I had my first surgery for liver cancer. I began to lose hair about 8 weeks after surgery. I really questioned God and said, why?? I am not taking chemo or radiation and yet every day I get multiple hairs coming out when I wash and dry it. His response to me was daunting, "You would not feel what it was like unless you experienced it". That was my first ingling that God was going to use me to help others facing serious illness. At this time when I asked my primary care doctor about it, she remarked, "That when the body goes through such a tremedous stress, your hair reacts about 6 to 8 weeks later." Great! Just what I wanted to hear.
I lost quite a bit of hair and had to resort to buying hats and wigs. I will never forget going to a department store looking for hats, and I was wearing one at the time. The sales clerk said, "So your into hats, huh?" I quickly responded and said, "No cancer!" Oh it just came blurting out of my mouth. I left with hats in my hand, tears filling my eyes and hating the whole experience.
It was a few weeks later, when I was wearing a hat everyday to work, that a co worker of mine offered to take me to a wig store close by. After all, I thought I might be losing hair permanently. When I took my hat off to try on wigs, she looked at me and said, "Oh it really is looking very thin". I began to tear up and tried my best to get my composure. I ended up buying a wig that day. I began buying another wig, scarfs, anything that would hide my head. Just so you know, your hairdresser can style a wig to fit you. Mine did and I got a lot of complements on it. But I hated wearing anything on my head...it was itchy and hot! But you endure what you have to and I did.
My hair did return, but now I am facing hair loss once again due to stress my body has had during this last nightmare surgery for lung cancer. So my husband says, "Well we have been here before, it will grow back." That statement was true, but when you are losing handfuls of hair daily, it effects you emotionally. Each time I brush my hair and run my figures thru it, some comes out. Ugh! It never feels good for a woman to lose so much hair. I find my self looking at every woman's hair wishing I had their hair. Dumb I know, but your confidence just plumets no matter how or how much hair is lost.
So hair! Never doubt the importance it is to anyone facing hair loss due to illness. It is devasting even the 2nd time around. Okay God, second time around. Can this be the last?
Well I must say that the Lord is spending less time each day counting mine! (LOL) Once again I am losing hair. The last time this happen was 3 years ago when I had my first surgery for liver cancer. I began to lose hair about 8 weeks after surgery. I really questioned God and said, why?? I am not taking chemo or radiation and yet every day I get multiple hairs coming out when I wash and dry it. His response to me was daunting, "You would not feel what it was like unless you experienced it". That was my first ingling that God was going to use me to help others facing serious illness. At this time when I asked my primary care doctor about it, she remarked, "That when the body goes through such a tremedous stress, your hair reacts about 6 to 8 weeks later." Great! Just what I wanted to hear.
I lost quite a bit of hair and had to resort to buying hats and wigs. I will never forget going to a department store looking for hats, and I was wearing one at the time. The sales clerk said, "So your into hats, huh?" I quickly responded and said, "No cancer!" Oh it just came blurting out of my mouth. I left with hats in my hand, tears filling my eyes and hating the whole experience.
It was a few weeks later, when I was wearing a hat everyday to work, that a co worker of mine offered to take me to a wig store close by. After all, I thought I might be losing hair permanently. When I took my hat off to try on wigs, she looked at me and said, "Oh it really is looking very thin". I began to tear up and tried my best to get my composure. I ended up buying a wig that day. I began buying another wig, scarfs, anything that would hide my head. Just so you know, your hairdresser can style a wig to fit you. Mine did and I got a lot of complements on it. But I hated wearing anything on my head...it was itchy and hot! But you endure what you have to and I did.
My hair did return, but now I am facing hair loss once again due to stress my body has had during this last nightmare surgery for lung cancer. So my husband says, "Well we have been here before, it will grow back." That statement was true, but when you are losing handfuls of hair daily, it effects you emotionally. Each time I brush my hair and run my figures thru it, some comes out. Ugh! It never feels good for a woman to lose so much hair. I find my self looking at every woman's hair wishing I had their hair. Dumb I know, but your confidence just plumets no matter how or how much hair is lost.
So hair! Never doubt the importance it is to anyone facing hair loss due to illness. It is devasting even the 2nd time around. Okay God, second time around. Can this be the last?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Know your Medications
When I was in the hospital the staff was giving me a medication at night that I repeatly said, "What is this for?" I was told at the hospital and at rehab, "It is to help you relax and sleep". So, not having much control I took it.
During much of that time and even when I got home, I truly could not get control of my emotions. I was on edge, cried a lot and sometimes for really nothing. No matter how much I tried I could not get a handle on it. I finally out of desperation looked up this medication. I was shocked at what I read. This drug was used to treat Bi-polar patients. I was and never had issues with this. I asked the visiting nurse and the physical therapist why would I be on this drug. The therapist was shocked. She has 2 autistic kids and told me that this was a very powerful physcotic drug.
I then went for a follow-up appointment at the surgeon's office. They had no idea that I was on this and said, "Well sometimes when you are in ICU the drugist at the hospital pharmacy makes decisions on what may work for you at that time." That is not a good sufficient answer as far as I am concerned. This drug messed with my brain. I know mistakes are made all the time, but when it comes to your own health, you do not want to be the one they mistreated.
The bad part of all this that I had to wean myself off of this drug and deal with nausea and feeling awful. I am on the other side of this, but it is a good example to share with you. Doctors, nurses, pharmists are human and make calls that may effect your health. Do not in way shape or form hesitate to find out what you are taking! Especially if you are feeling out of sorts and have unusual symtoms.
I hope that my experience may help you. You know your body. Do the research! It may save your life.
During much of that time and even when I got home, I truly could not get control of my emotions. I was on edge, cried a lot and sometimes for really nothing. No matter how much I tried I could not get a handle on it. I finally out of desperation looked up this medication. I was shocked at what I read. This drug was used to treat Bi-polar patients. I was and never had issues with this. I asked the visiting nurse and the physical therapist why would I be on this drug. The therapist was shocked. She has 2 autistic kids and told me that this was a very powerful physcotic drug.
I then went for a follow-up appointment at the surgeon's office. They had no idea that I was on this and said, "Well sometimes when you are in ICU the drugist at the hospital pharmacy makes decisions on what may work for you at that time." That is not a good sufficient answer as far as I am concerned. This drug messed with my brain. I know mistakes are made all the time, but when it comes to your own health, you do not want to be the one they mistreated.
The bad part of all this that I had to wean myself off of this drug and deal with nausea and feeling awful. I am on the other side of this, but it is a good example to share with you. Doctors, nurses, pharmists are human and make calls that may effect your health. Do not in way shape or form hesitate to find out what you are taking! Especially if you are feeling out of sorts and have unusual symtoms.
I hope that my experience may help you. You know your body. Do the research! It may save your life.
Friday, July 8, 2011
My Expectations Are Too High
Why is it that the mind can decide you can do more than your body will let you? I want so bad to be back to normal with expectations that are not realistic. Even though I am making progress week to week, it just is so disheartening when you want to do more. The weakness is sometimes overwhelming. Both the doctors, and physical therapy tell me that they do not expect me to back to work any time soon.
Here I sit day after day depending on others to get my meals. They tell me for every day I spent in ICU is a one week recovery. Are you kidding me? I spent weeks in ICU. It gets lonely. You sit and watch the clock all day long. I've cried and felt sorry for myself. I tell you all this because I want you to know I am just a normal human being that has feelings, struggles, and hates every minute of it. But....here I am. I have survived death. God did not call me home. He has a plan and I have to trust in that.
I had a great reality check when I recieved a card in the hospital from my sister-in-law's sister. She is someone that has battled with cancer, lost her jaw, and is unable to this day to eat. Yet she continues to cook and feed her family and lead a productive life. My sister-in-law calls her, "my hero". She wrote in the card only this, "just one day at a time. Take it from someone who knows." I read that and I cried and cried.
This is a battle and I feel every struggle, emotion, and frustration. I am not immune to any part of this journey. No one really understands unless they are the one going through it, not even family. I will get better. Not in my time, but in God's. I have trusted my whole life and will not stop now. He has a purpose. Not easy, not fun, but my hope and trust is totally in God.
I have to remember that God is working for His purpose. God has called each of us for His purpose. Each of us will have a different journey. I will walk out mine, will you?
Here I sit day after day depending on others to get my meals. They tell me for every day I spent in ICU is a one week recovery. Are you kidding me? I spent weeks in ICU. It gets lonely. You sit and watch the clock all day long. I've cried and felt sorry for myself. I tell you all this because I want you to know I am just a normal human being that has feelings, struggles, and hates every minute of it. But....here I am. I have survived death. God did not call me home. He has a plan and I have to trust in that.
I had a great reality check when I recieved a card in the hospital from my sister-in-law's sister. She is someone that has battled with cancer, lost her jaw, and is unable to this day to eat. Yet she continues to cook and feed her family and lead a productive life. My sister-in-law calls her, "my hero". She wrote in the card only this, "just one day at a time. Take it from someone who knows." I read that and I cried and cried.
This is a battle and I feel every struggle, emotion, and frustration. I am not immune to any part of this journey. No one really understands unless they are the one going through it, not even family. I will get better. Not in my time, but in God's. I have trusted my whole life and will not stop now. He has a purpose. Not easy, not fun, but my hope and trust is totally in God.
I have to remember that God is working for His purpose. God has called each of us for His purpose. Each of us will have a different journey. I will walk out mine, will you?
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