Why is it that the mind can decide you can do more than your body will let you? I want so bad to be back to normal with expectations that are not realistic. Even though I am making progress week to week, it just is so disheartening when you want to do more. The weakness is sometimes overwhelming. Both the doctors, and physical therapy tell me that they do not expect me to back to work any time soon.
Here I sit day after day depending on others to get my meals. They tell me for every day I spent in ICU is a one week recovery. Are you kidding me? I spent weeks in ICU. It gets lonely. You sit and watch the clock all day long. I've cried and felt sorry for myself. I tell you all this because I want you to know I am just a normal human being that has feelings, struggles, and hates every minute of it. But....here I am. I have survived death. God did not call me home. He has a plan and I have to trust in that.
I had a great reality check when I recieved a card in the hospital from my sister-in-law's sister. She is someone that has battled with cancer, lost her jaw, and is unable to this day to eat. Yet she continues to cook and feed her family and lead a productive life. My sister-in-law calls her, "my hero". She wrote in the card only this, "just one day at a time. Take it from someone who knows." I read that and I cried and cried.
This is a battle and I feel every struggle, emotion, and frustration. I am not immune to any part of this journey. No one really understands unless they are the one going through it, not even family. I will get better. Not in my time, but in God's. I have trusted my whole life and will not stop now. He has a purpose. Not easy, not fun, but my hope and trust is totally in God.
I have to remember that God is working for His purpose. God has called each of us for His purpose. Each of us will have a different journey. I will walk out mine, will you?
Noreen,
ReplyDeleteThank you for you honesty. So many people go through these pains alone and don't speak of the heartache and reality of loss & recovery. My heart breaks with you for the loneliness and frustration.
We will continue to pray for your recovery, and contend for miracles, and for His presence to comfort you at every moment.
This morning I was reading Philippians and I was touched just by Paul's greeting to the people of the Philippian Church who he was writing to and it inspired me to try to write like Him, to be one who sees the gifts and talents of others, to encourage them and to be a voice of exhortation. The reason I wanted to share this with you is that I realized that God had allowed Paul to be imprisoned at the time and I started to think that perhaps we go though trials in life because God has asked us to slow down to be His voice of inspiration to others.
I know I haven't had the privilege of spending time with you much in the past few years, but I know that in the years past, you were always a source of great wisdom in my life. You were never afraid to call me out on my sin and yet I never felt unloved or rejected. You spoke the truth in love and called me up. I shared with Tom the last time I visited that I was so grateful to you both for the ministry you poured into me through Cleansing Stream and at Abundant Life. You are an awesome woman of God, filled with His word, you are sensitive to His Spirit and have such a heart for Him.
I look forward to hearing of the many victories God is going to accomplish both in you and through you as you walk thorough this trial.
You are so deeply loved,
Kim