The Front Lines of the Battle

"Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest.  Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die"  2 Samuel 11:15

David knew from experience that being in the front lines of battle is the most dangerous place to be.  It was most certain death.  There he plotted to have Bathsheba's husband killed so he could have her to himself. 

As I was told over a week ago that the cancer in my liver returned, I knew I was being put on the front lines of a serious battle.  Two doctors have told me that a major surgery should not be an option anymore.  There was relief, yet a very uncertain overwhelming fear of death came over me.  It's funny, I was not devastated like the last two times I was told this news.  This time it was a numb feeling of uncertainty.  I have one more consultation coming up to hear what a liver doctor will say.  I want to just go to bed, pull the covers over my head and disappear.  "Don't want to"!!

Cancer is a roller coaster ride.  You have your ups and downs.  You try to live each day normally, but in the back of your mind is always an uncertain time line of your life.  I know that everyone faces death.  That is part of life.  I have heard that so many times, I want to scream.  I know all that.  But only those who have walked where I walked will understand the battle you go through.  Every time you hear on the news that someone died from cancer, or someone you know, your emotions are torn with every word they say.  This is such an unforgiving disease.

Coping with cancer, and funerals of those who's life it has taken is hard.  As I sat at my sister-in-laws funeral, I tried to keep myself busy talking with people.  But at the burial, I sat and looked at the casket.  It was a battle lost.  She was diagnosed right around the time I was.  She was gone.  It was extremely hard to even be there.  If that wasn't enough, a few months later, my brother-in-law was told he had a very aggressive form of bladder cancer.  And in the same conversation, I was told that my niece had cancerous pulps removed.  I just want it all to stop!!  And now cancer has returned in my body.  It is way to much to deal with.  "Don't want to"!!

When I started this journey, I told you that I would be completely honest and open.  The oncologist wants me to start a chemo pill.  The side effects will not be pleasant.  And I do not know what side effects I will get.  Another part of the journey, I have not faced yet.  Ugh!  "Don't want to"!!

As I pondered writing this blog and searched for the story of David, I came across another scripture that spoke to my heart.  "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours but God's."  2 Chronicles 20:15b  "You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."  2 Chronicles 20:17.

God does not take you out of the battle.  But He does fight it for you.  So I will stand firm and watch Him fight this one for me.