Living in Chemo World

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength...Philippians 4:13

Years ago when my son was just 7, he had his first experience with baseball where the players now pitch to you.  I remember so well the struggle he had with not being able to hit the ball.  One game there were two outs and he was up next.  If he did not hit, they would lose the game.  I could see the worry on his face.  It was all up to him.  We as his parents stressed right before the game began to just say, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength!", when he goes up to bat.  My heart was beating just as fast as his was, I was sure!    He stepped on the batter's box, ball 1, whew!  Next ball came in, strike!  Oh I can see his little heart sink as mine did.  Next ball, yes, he hit it!!  Wahoo!  He got a double, bringing in one run.  They won the game.  After the game, we hugged and he said, "it worked."  I just got up and said, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength!"  It was a great moment for God to show him even at 7 years of age, God himself will work for him.

That very verse is what is getting me through Chemo.  It is not a cake walk by no means.  But, I can get through it because of His strength and not mine. 

I started taking the drug in mid June.  Sixteen days in, I had all the ugly side effects that comes with it.  Nausea, Mouth Sores, Extreme Fatigue, Loss of appetite, etc. They put me on a chemo pill called Afinitor.  It originally was a drug that was designed to help transplant patients not reject the new organ.  In the last two years, the studies have shown that it can help cancer patients with certain types of cancer.  The drug is so expensive.  Over $9,000 for 28 pills.  Thank God all I pay is a small co-pay!  I had to go off of it after 16 days for 2 weeks.  My blood platelets were too low and they need to build back up.  The drug effects my immune system.  I started back on it July 1.  All the ugly symptoms came back.  So I have to go off for a week and then try every other day and see if my body adapts to the drug better.  I am told that if this drug is effective, I can not go off the drug.  Ugh!

When I go to the oncologist's office and see all of those who sit with chemo drips, it is such a depressing sight.  You instantly know it could be worse.  You also know that when you get to chemo, it is a serious situation.  When they say to you, "Well it is all about quality of life".  Oh how I hate those words.  They seem so final.  Oh and when the surgeon says, "You do not need to see me or the lung surgeon on a regular basis".  In other words, there is nothing they can do for you.  You know it is depressing to hear that, but you need to pull up your emotional boot straps and stand firm. 

I have made a decision to live.  I will not be another statistic.  I will hear nothing else.  I will believe the report of the Lord.  I will do everything I can, and then stand and watch the salvation of the Lord.

My husband gave me a paper weight a year ago that says it simply:

"Even miracles take a little time".............Cinderella

The Front Lines of the Battle

"Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest.  Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die"  2 Samuel 11:15

David knew from experience that being in the front lines of battle is the most dangerous place to be.  It was most certain death.  There he plotted to have Bathsheba's husband killed so he could have her to himself. 

As I was told over a week ago that the cancer in my liver returned, I knew I was being put on the front lines of a serious battle.  Two doctors have told me that a major surgery should not be an option anymore.  There was relief, yet a very uncertain overwhelming fear of death came over me.  It's funny, I was not devastated like the last two times I was told this news.  This time it was a numb feeling of uncertainty.  I have one more consultation coming up to hear what a liver doctor will say.  I want to just go to bed, pull the covers over my head and disappear.  "Don't want to"!!

Cancer is a roller coaster ride.  You have your ups and downs.  You try to live each day normally, but in the back of your mind is always an uncertain time line of your life.  I know that everyone faces death.  That is part of life.  I have heard that so many times, I want to scream.  I know all that.  But only those who have walked where I walked will understand the battle you go through.  Every time you hear on the news that someone died from cancer, or someone you know, your emotions are torn with every word they say.  This is such an unforgiving disease.

Coping with cancer, and funerals of those who's life it has taken is hard.  As I sat at my sister-in-laws funeral, I tried to keep myself busy talking with people.  But at the burial, I sat and looked at the casket.  It was a battle lost.  She was diagnosed right around the time I was.  She was gone.  It was extremely hard to even be there.  If that wasn't enough, a few months later, my brother-in-law was told he had a very aggressive form of bladder cancer.  And in the same conversation, I was told that my niece had cancerous pulps removed.  I just want it all to stop!!  And now cancer has returned in my body.  It is way to much to deal with.  "Don't want to"!!

When I started this journey, I told you that I would be completely honest and open.  The oncologist wants me to start a chemo pill.  The side effects will not be pleasant.  And I do not know what side effects I will get.  Another part of the journey, I have not faced yet.  Ugh!  "Don't want to"!!

As I pondered writing this blog and searched for the story of David, I came across another scripture that spoke to my heart.  "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours but God's."  2 Chronicles 20:15b  "You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."  2 Chronicles 20:17.

God does not take you out of the battle.  But He does fight it for you.  So I will stand firm and watch Him fight this one for me.

BATTLE SCARS

When my first child was born, I remember unwrapping him and making sure he had all his fingers & toes.  He was perfect.  In fact all the nurses told me he was too pretty to be a boy.  He was just gorgeous!  When we took him him home, I thought, "I am taking him out into a world that was polluted and not perfect as he was the day he was born."  Imperfections are a way of life.  But I wanted to keep him just as perfect as he arrived.  Of course we know that is impossible.

But, now that I have had cancer surgeries, health complications, etc., I have become more imperfect that I could ever imagine I could be.  My stomach is a road map of scars from surgery, from gallbladder to liver surgery.  Those scars I could hide at least.  But being a woman, I hated the looks of it all.  I began my regiment of scar ointment for months and months as directed.  Guess what?  I could have taken stock in the company and it made no difference in my ugly scars.  (LOL)  Oh, the money I threw away for months.  Still there and quite ugly.

Now that I had the last lung surgery, the scar running down my back will not be hid by a bathing suit.  The scar from the trachea is always visible on my neck.  It took 7 months for my hair to arrive back and look decent.  I also have a surgical hernia on my stomach that sticks out.  From rehab workouts, my shoulders now ache and cortisone shots are needed periodically.  I fell right before the holidays, and my left knee cap has now collapsed without any cartilage.  I am getting shots in that also, for a knee replacement or any other surgery can not happen for a good while.  My fatigue is still there when I work all day.  I have developed a cataract on my right eye.  My breathing still is not what it should be.  I can no longer reach high notes when singing.  If I am talking a lot or teaching a class, you can hear me take breaths.  O'Vey!  I have heard of woman that was traumatized because they were going to have 4 tiny scar holes in a gall bladder surgery.  Oh Honey, you have no idea of what it could be. These are the battle scars that I have.  Even though they are quite cumbersome at times, I do my best to look the best that I can.  I have many say, "you look so good."  Great!  That is my goal, now if I only can feel just a bit better.

I serve a God that can do miracles and heal me completely.  I circle that in prayer almost everyday.  I know that I have walked this hard path to reach others that are on the same journey of serious illness.  I heard a quote on TV that really summed it all up:  "Those who have been there, no explanation needed.  Those who have not, explanation impossible."  How true those words are.  No one knows the emotions, thoughts, and discouragement you face at every turn of the road unless you walked that path.

I want you to know, I am here for anyone who needs someone to stand with them, in thought, in encouragement and in prayer.  I beleive that is why I have walked this road.

Even though we struggle with appearance.  I am grateful that God's Word says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."  (I Samuel 16: 7b) 

Enjoy the Good Days

I finally had a good report.  In fact, a new doctor I saw at John Hopkins gave me the most encouraging news I have had in a very long time.  He told me that my scan looked great, and currently there was no evidence of cancer.  He told me that he thought considering what I had been thru, that my recovery was remarkable.  He also said that my cancer was manageable. After reading my medical history, he thought that the primary tumor may have been in the lung all along.  He told me that we could be talking about this for the next 20 years, and he did not want to see me for a year.  He agreed with another doctor that I should have a routine of scans every 4 months.

Now I should have been just elated.  But instead, there was reservation in my mind.  You see after the first diagnosis three years ago, I thought it was all done and I never had to worry about cancer again.  Ah....wrong answer!!  Last year was a true nightmare.  I got terrible news at every corner of the road.  I had been thru horrific days of not knowing if it would be my last or not.  How in the world can I enjoy the good news without feeling what would be to come.

God really spoke to me at this point.  "No one knows what tomorrow will bring.  Nobody knows when there last breath will come.  There will be good days and bad days, and I am here in it all.  Trust Me, and enjoy the good report."  What truth He spoke to my heart.  I have had peace from that moment on. 

You can not live in fear worrying what tomorrow will bring.  Yes, I worried because I really thought this cancer was over and gone.  I was at death's door 4 times in the last year alone.  I learned something from this.  No matter what comes in the future, God will be right by my side.  This is a good time and I am going to enjoy the good report!

Matthew 6: 33, 34 "But seek first the kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself each day has enough trouble of it's own." 

He allowed me to understand this to share with you.  There is a key in verse 33.  Seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness will keep me under His wing of protection.  So...what am I to worry about?  He has everything under control. 

What may you be worrying about?  Have you had good news and can't enjoy it, because of what may be around the corner of tomorrow?  No matter what may come your way, take no thought for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. 

Limited Understanding

Registering at the Outpatient Clinic at John Hopkins was so smooth that I thought wow, it has never gone this fast before.  All my hopes were dashed when I approached the extremely overcrowded waiting room for my appointment.  There was not a seat to be had, and many were lined up surrounding the chairs waiting to pounce on the first one that came available.  If you never have experienced John Hopkins before, it is a city in a city.  It can seem very overwhelming with people everywhere on their way to somewhere. 

I finally found a seat.  There was a gentleman sitting next to me talking with the man who sat on the other side of him.  Since you are sitting close to others with nothing to do, but wait for your name to be called, you hear all conversations around you.  The waiting room is strictly for surgical patients, many who have cancer and have a story to tell.  This was the conversation I was hearing as the two men talked of their experience, diagnosis, and fears.  As the gentleman on the other side of the man sitting next to me got up for his appointment, the man next to me began a conversation.  We shared together for awhile.  There was a point when he began to share his life living with his son.  He said you know my son said to me one day, "Dad I believe you are depressed".  He responded, "Do you think!"  He had been through so much pain and his recovery was a long one dealing with so many issues from surgery.  He told me that his son wanted him to do more and more.  "I would cut the grass, and was so exhausted that I would have to rest for two days.  My son just does not understand."  "I think I will go live with my brother, at least he is my age and understands the body's limits even without health complications."  I so connected to a man who I really did not know, but I sure did understand him.

What really hurts is that your own children, spouse, and family in general do not understand what you really go through. The least little set back, body aches, etc. can set you into an emotional tail spin.  Each one of my children has hurt my feelings in one way or another.  Most of the time it was not intentional.  They just have no understanding of where my head and heart where at the time.  

I was talking with my Boss recently at work.  He said something that is so true.  He said he remembers his Dad going through rough times as he got older.  He had no understanding of where his Dad was at the time.  But, now that he is older, oh boy "understanding" he now has.

I had a good friend that had been battling cancer a few years when I had was first diagnosed and had my first surgery.  His words ring so true.  He said to me, "No one really understands until they go through it.  Now you understand."  And yes I do!  God Bless Him, he has gone home to be with the Lord.

When you battle a serious illness, your heart and mind are in a different place.  You will be more sensitive to things said and heard.  You cry real tears and your heart hurts many times over things that others will never know or understand.  Yes, there are times of depression, times of so many unanswered questions, and times of fear.  You feel all alone with family all around you. Sometimes it is a very dark place, you desperately want to shake off.  Nothing is the same and you want to go back to a time of joy and happiness.  You want your family to understand.  Truthfully they have "limited understanding."  They hurt for you, but do not know the battle and can not imagine where you are. 

Where do you find comfort?  (Psalms 147:5 "Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limits")   When no one understands, God does!!  He is my comfort.  He is my rock.  He is my sounding board.  He has no limits and understands.  If I did not have God, I literally would crash.  He is my hope.  I will stand and trust Him.

What about you?

The Changing of Values & Thoughts

It was 5:30 AM.  I was rocking and feeding my Grandson in his room.  I looked down at his precious face and tears began streaming from my eyes.  "Oh, God thank you so much for allowing me to hold this beautiful baby boy. I thank you Lord for giving me this moment of pure joy."  You see, he was born while I lay very critical in ICU at John Hopkins Hospital.  I was totally unaware of anything going on.  A moment that I truly wanted to be there for, the birth of my first grandson.

Once you have experienced a life altering illness, what you value and how you think change dramatically.  They tell me, though I have no recollection of this, that they would hold cards in front of me and I would always point to the picture of family while I laid in ICU.  I was unable to speak, but my spirit cried out for what is the most precious asset that I have, family!

When all is well and you live life not having a care in the world, relationships and family can really take a toll on you.  Attitudes fly like a breeze.  We get hurt.  We get angry and hold on to grudges that really are not that important in the scheme of things.  I am now very cautious of how I respond in not so pleasant situations.
Life is way too short to allow the seed of anger and bitterness to take root in your soul.  (Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.")

Now my thoughts run deep: "Will this be my last Christmas?  Will I get enjoy a summer vacations next year? Will I get see my grandchildren grow up?  "I want time to be with my husband and grow old with him, will I? The value of life becomes so important.  No one has the answer to any of these questions.  And, most important no one knows when life will come to an end for anyone.

I am now making a conscious effort to value all relationships that I have to love and enjoy.  I am not waiting to spend time wishing I had made contact or gone to see those that I love.  I have nephew who lives away from his family that made a remark when his grandfather passed away.  "I always thought he would always be there!"  There is no guarantee of this for anyone.

Can I challenge you?  What relationships do you have that you need to mend?  Do not wait until it is too late.  Do not regret not going to see the ones you love?  Work and things will always be there to hinder you from making plans.  Life gets busy and your calendar fills up.  Can you make it a priority to value the time you spend with loved ones?  It may be too late one day too soon....... 

The Fear Factor

There once was a TV show on called the "The Fear Factor".  Competitors would face their fears with stunts, creepy crawling bugs, and ate the most disgusting things.  I used to watch the show, sometimes with my eyes closed, not wanting to see what they had to accomplish.  What it showed you is that we all have fears of different things, but we all fear something. 

Webster's Dictionary has the meaning of fear as:  1. Alarm and agitation caused by the expectation or realization of danger; 2. To be frightened; 3. A ground for apprehensive or dread.  In other words a very human emotion that everyone has and can experience periodically.  People with cancer or any other fatal disease feel this more than usual.  It can be triggered easily and always pondered in your mind. 

When the news reports on a star or famous person dying of cancer, you relate immediately and wonder when that will happen to you.  Listening to the story and death of Steve Jobs, founder of Apple, allowed fear to creep in me.  You see, Steve Jobs had the same cancer I do.  You start calculating how long he lasted from the time we was first diagnosed and you begin to calculate how much time you may have.  Then you realize what you are doing and you stop!  NO, I will not dwell on the "what ifs" but dwell on the life I have right before me.  I read an article on Roger Ebert, the film critic.  He has thyroid cancer has gone through surgery after surgery, can not eat or drink or talk without a device.  He made a remark that really struck me.  "I know that my time will come, but right now I live with hope and happiness."  I need to focus on the same.

I know without a shadow of doubt that God is with me.  My recent fear turned into joy when the doctor called and said, "Mrs. Rendulic your CT scan came back with no signs of cancer at this time."  This is the first good news I have had in 8 long months.  I had my eye doctor appointment the other day and hearing that my eyes were healthy and what I was experiencing was cataracts that are not yet ready for surgery.  Just a normal sign of aging not disease.  Two good reports!!  My "rainbow of promise" was manifesting hope and happiness.  I also had an unexpected conversation with the business administrator of the eye center.  When I talked with the doctor, she told me that there was someone who works there with the same cancer and her father has the same rare form of cancer also.  She left the room and said, "I will be right back."  She came back in and said that the business administrator would like to meet you and talk with you.  I had a good conversation.  He shared with me his story and told me about this Medical Center in Louisiana that specializes in our rare form of cancer and his experience there.  I found it ironic that I believe this is where my oncologist just came back from hearing a seminar on the founder and research doctor.  I shared with him and gave him my blog web address.  God has a way of putting people in your path.

The other day my devotional talked about forgetting about ourselves and do everything we can to help people, and doing the work of the Lord that God has called you to.  When you do that, God takes care of you.  And that is why I write to help others who face the fears of illness with honesty and openness. 

Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."  When fear strikes, stop, turn your eyes toward the Lord.  He will take the fear and give you peace.  That my friend is truth.  Do not allow yourself to dwell on the things that make you fearful.  Instead stop and allow God to bring the thoughts of comfort and hope. 

I leave you with a scripture that has helped many times during my life.  Let it speak to you.  Psalm 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  13: For I am the Lord, your God, who take hold of your right hand and says to you.  Do not fear; I will help you."